Police today advised the general public in North Wales to be on the lookout for a mad man on a mobility scooter following a series of appalling crimes.
Speaking out at a press conference, a police spokesman said that the situation was dire and 300 members of the force who are currently sat in lay-bys across the region on speed trap duties will be transferred to track down the suspect “This will mean that we will now have 310 members of the force involved in crime prevention”
The suspect was first spotted on Llandudno prom on Sunday by innocent by standers and day-trippers. The scooter was stolen from Mrs Lynne Lewis (87) who was at that time enjoying the thrill of her lifetime on the Noddy train that travels between North and West shore. “It was excellent value” she said “Only £3.00 return. Some of the bends were quite hair raising and I’m afraid to say there was light urine loss in places, but it was worth the excitement. I never leave the house without wads of Andrex so that wasn’t really an issue. I know that it’s only really a tractor with a bit of cladding, but I’m easily impressed” Wiping away a tear she explained how distraught and beside herself she was to find her mobility scooter gone “I was distraught and beside myself” she said.
The first incident to rock the town occurred late on Sunday afternoon. Mrs Lal, the manager of Billy Lal’s Tabard and Underwear Emporium was in the process of wheeling in the racks of gingham housecoats when the man rushed in on the scooter and made off with several pairs of string y-fronts and matching vests as well as an unspecified number of floral pinafores. Mrs Lal went on to say “It’s shocking, we get a lot of people coming in and laughing at our stock but nobody has ever seemed to want to steal anything before. I’ve been selling the same garments since 1978 and this is the first time this has ever happened. It really is shocking”
Later on that day reports came flooding in of untowardness at Home Bargains when a man in a mobility scooter crashed through the turnstile before making off with several armfuls of multipack toilet rolls and a basket of generically branded bran sticks. A member of staff noted that there were other items in the basket including half a dozen plastic bowls, a bag of cooking dates, sugar free licorice and several packets of fig rolls and several more bowls that were on offer at the till “It was all over in a flash, I saw the manoeuvres from the corner of my eye and can safely say that I’ve never seen such fast bowl movements in all my life”
Later on reports came in from a number of cyclists on the prom who reported being knocked off their bikes by a lunatic in a mobility scooter “They should never have let scooters on the prom. They are a hazard to us cyclists, I hope that the council are thinking on and looking sharp” said Sess Crotum, from the group “cyclists have human rights too you know”
The following day, confirmed reports of incidents came in from nearby Colwyn Bay. Mrs Silvia Motram of The Private Shop on Greenfield Road was left quivering and out of breath when a man in a scooter burst forth and made off with a number of battery operated items and a handful of small fruit flavoured condoms. “I’m often left quivering and breathless as I personally like to test all items we sell, but to be brutally frank this really took the biscuit. It’s just a shame that it was all over and done with so quickly”
Later reports included a scooter ram-raid at the Pound Shop where a year’s supply of long-life batteries went missing and a similar incident at Bevans where three bags of cat litter and a ripped bag of smokeless fuel were stolen. Staff at Bevans managed to get a description of the man “He was about 32, chiselled jaw-line, distinguished looks and ravishingly handsome with a strong and masculine physique, fantastically broad shoulders, flat and taught stomach and muscular thighs. Although he was sitting down, it looked like he had a bubble butt too.
Police are slowly putting together an image of the person and are looking for a coal stained man in a floral pinny and string y-fronts, with loose bowels, maybe with a number of cats about his person, probably purring but more likely vibrating or buzzing, with a smaller than average rod and bait and smelling of strawberries, apples and banana.
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