146. 15.06.2012 Amber-ish weather advisory

147. 15.06.2012 Amberish weather advisory

The met office today revealed  a shake-up in their weather warnings and announced the introduction of a whole raft of new colour weather advisory colour codes  to make things even more confusing.

18 new colour advisories in little triangles  will be launched including mauve, puce, mocha, burnt sienna, scarlet, light beige, dark beige, comfy slacks beige, golden tan, deep tan,  dark tan, tanned bottom tan,  Irish tan (a slightly deeper shade of scarlet) Scottish  tan (light blue) Cilla ginger, curry vomit orange, acne pustule yellow  and pube brown.

The met office spokesman went on to say "Despite all our modern technology and computers and those little remote control clicker things we hold  when doing the weather, the fact of the matter is we still make it up as we go along and are basically a group of smarmy arsed patronising tossers based in London" he went on to say "some people think it’s a really cushy job just wandering into the  studio at 25 past six in a nice suit, sharing a bit of inane banter with the newscaster, laughing that it’s raining in the north and talking nonsense for two minutes,  but sometimes we have to break some really awful news like "prolonged drizzle in the stockbroker belt  or "possible sleet flurry in Surrey" or the most dreadful of all "grey skies at the Henley boat regatta".

Meanwhile as the weathermen got it right for once, the country has been lashed by severe weather (colour code phlegm green) with intermittent spells of other weather (soiled nappy brown)

In Manchester it snowed (fact) and Metrolink were delighted to have an excuse for the daily delays, knock on delays and knock on knock on delays which are expected to have a knock on and hopefully a knock on knock on effect until the leaves fall on the tracks in the autumn.

Meanwhile in Liverpool  in an unrelated incident a Mrs Jan M'nylonCardie phoned 999 in a state of panic and reported not only  horrific weather conditions but a personal breech of hygiene (tena yellow)

Up in Scotland a distraught Mrs Alison Stephenson (49)  phoned NHS Direct  as it was so cold that her nipples had frozen to the  glass panel in her walk- in shower (Chapel coat peg blue).  At first staff had trouble understanding her until they realised she was a South African. "I was shocked, appalled and horrorstruck" she said as she was revived with an intravenous G&T drip.

In East Anglia things were not much better and a Mrs S Driscoll (54) reported that the inclement weather had left her with an even worse bad hair day than normal "much as I’m a fan of Bananarama  and  Ken Dodd"  she wept "I don't want to look like him"

In Surbiton,  Jessica Ffockerton-Fflange demanded action be taken. "not only do I have a pretentious name with too many double consonants in it, and look like a horse in distress, but we've had to endure the pain and embarrassment   of having an empty swimming pool due to the hosepipe ban all year and now on top of all this  the home help is unwilling  to come and do the hoovering because her static caravan home is flooded and she had to be rescued from the roof with a nasty duvet wrapped around her. I'm going to have to sack her next week. She doesn't look or sound Polish but she clearly is"

Elsewhere expectant mother of 5, Shannela (shazza) Grimsby claimed that the government  weren't doing enough to provide entertainment for her five offspring during the prolonged bad weather.  "My youngest has AD, the second one has AD-HD, the middle one has AD-AD-HD / AD-AD-AD , the second to oldest has concentration issues and the oldest one has been diagnosed as not paying attention. What I would like to say to Nick Cameron is its alright for you but you've not got five kids to leave behind in a pub when it rains  - what are you going to do about it?"

Meanwhile somewhere on a train between Manchester and Llandudno,  Mr Timothy Shitcrust (32) was irate at the lies Arriva trains Wales were peddling to their customers. (fact), "to be brutally frank they must think that I'm as backward as my partner looks. The train was already 15 minutes late and they were still announcing that it was 5 minutes late and when it finally arrived 30 minutes late they were advising of a 10 minute delay. I recognised the voice of the person doing  the announcements though. It's the same arse who works for Sky customer care. As if all that wasn't bad enough the buffet trolley didn't have any cheddar bakes or diet coke so I was forced into having to eat two Snickers, a twirl and a bag of KP mixed salted nuts. To be brutally frank, I wouldn't mind if I had something to do, like writing the words for a picture a day or something"

Meanwhile the bad weather is set to continue well into next week but on the plus side, the flowers in the garden look nice with raindrops on them

144. 12.06.2012 Off the rails

144. 12.06.2012 Off the rails

This is the view from the top of one of the old inclines at  the Dinorwic Slate Quarry, overlooking the beauty of Snowdonia.

 It was the second largest slate quarry in the world  after the neighbouring Penrhyn Quarry. It covered more than 700 acres with 20 galleries plus all the usual tramways and inclines

Mining here first took place in 1787, when as was so often the case in Welsh history, an English landowner who via an act of parliament gained ownership of  a large part of the parish of Llanddeiniolen. He evicted the people who lived and worked the land and exploited the mountains for his own wealth. A vast wealth. This enabled him to build his small abode on the Vaynol Estate near Bangor. That’s the place with the high walls, the gate lodges and all the rest of the trappings of vulgar wealth.  With no regards to the 3000 men who toiled in the quarries, his wealth increased although he never actually dirtied his hands on the slate or inhaled slate dust. He spent most of his days playing cricket for which he was also famed. When not playing cricket or counting his pennies he no doubt spent the rest of the time looking at his plain and dull wife and humouring his spoiled children. His son who inherited his wealth also went on to be a cricket fanatic and via marriage went on to gain even more wealth. They entered politics to ensure that their rights and wealth were protected – something that members of a certain party still do today.

As their  greed continued there was no regard for the  3,000 men who toiled and slaved in the quarry and lived in cold and damp barracks away from their families. There was even less regard for the mountains.  Today the vast scars, dereliction and destruction of the mountains blight the valley and are a sad reminder of social injustice. There are more huge slags clinging to the valley sides than you could expect to see clinging to lamp posts and  railings on a Saturday night in Manchester. On the plus side the slags here might not be scantily clad with festering naval piercings and tattoos for all to see, but they are to be brutally frank just as unappealing to the eye.

  By 1930 its working employment had dropped to 2,000, it kept a steady production until 1969 when the remaining quarrymen went on their annual summer leave to return to the news that they had lost their jobs.

The bleakness, the piles of filthy slag, the dereliction and destruction make it the ideal set for films and TV including Dr Who, Blakes 7 and the films Willow and Clash of the Titans. Mortal Combat 2 (which to be brutally frank sounds even more shit than Mortal Combat 1) as well as one of the Tomb raider bilge films with Lara Croft.

143. 11.06.2012 The Courtcase

143. 11.06.2012 The court case.

“Would you like to see what I’ve got in my hand? It’s long and thin, has a red head and is rather hairy”

Such innocent words, but ones I shall never use again. In the wrong context that is. In the event the Judge acquitted me on grounds of diminished despondency but the whole thing left me a shadow of the former man I never was.

I would like to say that the legal aid I received was second to none, but it was. In the past I have always approached my solicitors (usually from behind) Plunge, Shafte  and Rodd  but neither Plunge senior nor Shafte junior were willing to take me on and Ivor Rodd didn’t feel that his experience was long enough and would be, as it was,  out of his depth.  

Luckily a lesbian friend was able to recommend other solicitors  - Flange, Frump  and Flume. I didn’t want either Flange or Frump representing me on account of it being difficult to tell which was which  on account of the matching dungarees, tattoos  and abrupt haircuts but as it happened they were working on a high profile case involving batteries that either were or weren’t included. So Barbra (Babs) Flume represented me in court. I remember looking at the size of her hands and thinking that with fists the size of boiled  ham shanks she would certainly have no issues persuading a jury to come down on my side.

Babs suggested that I try to win the sympathy of the jury by feigning a terminal cold, but despite my constant coughing and spluttering and blowing holes in a Kleenex Mansize, the prosecution saw right through it and said it was a tissue of lies.

In the event though as I mentioned above, Justice Prune threw my case out of the window – which was quite dangerous and could’ve hurt somebody. All was well though until I asked for several other cases to be taken into account including the bauble incident in the Christmas department of Debenhams  and another incident at the Easter Market that also lead to some confusion, although I still maintain that in the latter case,  the rabbit was rampant and was going like the clappers.

Anyhow, today’s picture is a caterpillar that is long and thin with a red head and rather hairy. I won’t even suggest what it will turn into, perhaps a blue butterfly that isn’t a holly blue, but who knows?