147. 15.06.2012 Amberish weather advisory
The met office today revealed a shake-up in their weather warnings and announced the introduction of a whole raft of new colour weather advisory colour codes to make things even more confusing.
18 new colour advisories in little triangles will be launched including mauve, puce, mocha, burnt sienna, scarlet, light beige, dark beige, comfy slacks beige, golden tan, deep tan, dark tan, tanned bottom tan, Irish tan (a slightly deeper shade of scarlet) Scottish tan (light blue) Cilla ginger, curry vomit orange, acne pustule yellow and pube brown.
The met office spokesman went on to say "Despite all our modern technology and computers and those little remote control clicker things we hold when doing the weather, the fact of the matter is we still make it up as we go along and are basically a group of smarmy arsed patronising tossers based in London" he went on to say "some people think it’s a really cushy job just wandering into the studio at 25 past six in a nice suit, sharing a bit of inane banter with the newscaster, laughing that it’s raining in the north and talking nonsense for two minutes, but sometimes we have to break some really awful news like "prolonged drizzle in the stockbroker belt or "possible sleet flurry in Surrey" or the most dreadful of all "grey skies at the Henley boat regatta".
Meanwhile as the weathermen got it right for once, the country has been lashed by severe weather (colour code phlegm green) with intermittent spells of other weather (soiled nappy brown)
In Manchester it snowed (fact) and Metrolink were delighted to have an excuse for the daily delays, knock on delays and knock on knock on delays which are expected to have a knock on and hopefully a knock on knock on effect until the leaves fall on the tracks in the autumn.
Meanwhile in Liverpool in an unrelated incident a Mrs Jan M'nylonCardie phoned 999 in a state of panic and reported not only horrific weather conditions but a personal breech of hygiene (tena yellow)
Up in Scotland a distraught Mrs Alison Stephenson (49) phoned NHS Direct as it was so cold that her nipples had frozen to the glass panel in her walk- in shower (Chapel coat peg blue). At first staff had trouble understanding her until they realised she was a South African. "I was shocked, appalled and horrorstruck" she said as she was revived with an intravenous G&T drip.
In East Anglia things were not much better and a Mrs S Driscoll (54) reported that the inclement weather had left her with an even worse bad hair day than normal "much as I’m a fan of Bananarama and Ken Dodd" she wept "I don't want to look like him"
In Surbiton, Jessica Ffockerton-Fflange demanded action be taken. "not only do I have a pretentious name with too many double consonants in it, and look like a horse in distress, but we've had to endure the pain and embarrassment of having an empty swimming pool due to the hosepipe ban all year and now on top of all this the home help is unwilling to come and do the hoovering because her static caravan home is flooded and she had to be rescued from the roof with a nasty duvet wrapped around her. I'm going to have to sack her next week. She doesn't look or sound Polish but she clearly is"
Elsewhere expectant mother of 5, Shannela (shazza) Grimsby claimed that the government weren't doing enough to provide entertainment for her five offspring during the prolonged bad weather. "My youngest has AD, the second one has AD-HD, the middle one has AD-AD-HD / AD-AD-AD , the second to oldest has concentration issues and the oldest one has been diagnosed as not paying attention. What I would like to say to Nick Cameron is its alright for you but you've not got five kids to leave behind in a pub when it rains - what are you going to do about it?"
Meanwhile somewhere on a train between Manchester and Llandudno, Mr Timothy Shitcrust (32) was irate at the lies Arriva trains Wales were peddling to their customers. (fact), "to be brutally frank they must think that I'm as backward as my partner looks. The train was already 15 minutes late and they were still announcing that it was 5 minutes late and when it finally arrived 30 minutes late they were advising of a 10 minute delay. I recognised the voice of the person doing the announcements though. It's the same arse who works for Sky customer care. As if all that wasn't bad enough the buffet trolley didn't have any cheddar bakes or diet coke so I was forced into having to eat two Snickers, a twirl and a bag of KP mixed salted nuts. To be brutally frank, I wouldn't mind if I had something to do, like writing the words for a picture a day or something"
Meanwhile the bad weather is set to continue well into next week but on the plus side, the flowers in the garden look nice with raindrops on them
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