109. 28.04.2012 Valle Crucis

109. 28.04.2012 Valle Crucis

The vale of Llangollen was in medieval times the ideal place to set up an abbey. It was remote and wild and before coach loads of cagoule clad daytrippers discovered it, it was on the edge of the wilderness.

The monks who lived here were of the Cistercian variety. In other words they looked like monks, wore white  dressing gowns with hoodies  held together with one of those  posh curtain cords people in detached houses have  and they all had bald spots. 

In fact the Cistercians only admitted fat, balding middle aged men into their fold. If only I had been born 800 years ago.

They founded their abbey at Valle Crucis in the 13^th century and added bits to it for the next few hundred years including in the 15^th century a new hall and a heated private apartment for the abbot, which went somewhat against the Cistercians basic way of life. Like the majority of abbeys it was dissolved in 1537 but was by accounts at the time in a poor state of repair before this.

Valle Crucis,  or  'Valley of the Cross', is named after Eliseg's Pillar, a 9th century Christian memorial cross which stands nearby.

People often ask me about the various orders of monks. “Tim” they ask, “tell me about the different orders of monks” In fact people come up to me all the time and ask me. To be brutally frank, it can be a bit tiresome, but for the umpteenth time, here is a quick résumé

Cistercian – bald, fat jolly monks. Friar Tuck might have been one of these, but his dressing gown was the wrong shade

Belgian – were good at making chocolates in the shapes of seashells for some unknown reason.

Nasturtium – wore gowns of bright orange and were usually covered in caterpillars.

Amphibian – spent most of their time praying at the bottom of ponds

Coercian – usually used pressure to do things like making cheese or pressing grapes through thin mesh to make wine

German – known for their hilarious sense of humour. Usually tall and blond with a liking for towels and poolside sunloungers.

Gluten – an intolerant order.

Insertion – generally popular with nuns

Frisian – favoured black and white dressing gowns. Known for their milk.

Piston – also generally popular with nuns

Grecian – there were more than 2000  orders of Grecian monks, Grecian 2000 being the best known. As a rule the members of this order had unnaturally dark hair.

Roentgen – this order wore very thin robes, practically see through. 

Piston – not to be confused with the other Piston order, this order was famed for their honey mead and traditionally brewed ales. Usually preferred to pray in silence on Sunday mornings.

So there you go. Don’t say I never teach you anything.